Thursday, October 24, 2013

7 things I would say to my 20-something single self.

[View the republished version on my new blog]

It's been 6 months since my wedding day and almost 3 years since I was single. In that time I have come to know the sense of RELIEF that I never have to navigate my way through the stormy waters of singledom ever again*. (Hallelujah)

It's no secret that I had my share (and then some) of relationship blunders, some of which were due to my naivety. So, in recent months, (especially since my wedding and my 30th birthday) I've reflected a bit on my twenties and wondered what I would do differently.

Having learnt my lesson the hard way, here's what I wish I could say to my 20-something single self, and what I'll be teaching my daughter one day...

(If you're a fella -- I've translated this for you. See below!)

1. A coffee is not a proposal. 
Neither is a nice conversation after church, or a friendly text message, or a ride home after uni. Australian culture doesn't really do 'dating' well, which means one-on-one hang outs can be complicated. Obviously you need to know someone before you enter into a relationship with them but just because you hang out alone, doesn't mean it's more than just friends.

2. He isn't perfect. Neither are you. 
He will say/do the wrong thing and you will take it the wrong way. To make matters worse, Adelaide is a small town and people talk. (SUCH an unfortunate reality.) Remember that any information you get second or third hand will already be filtered through the person who is giving you that information. Leave it to him to reveal his imperfections, not others. Be gracious here, remember Matthew 7:3-5.

3. You over-think EVERYTHING. He over-thinks NOTHING. 
Picture this: The coffee date is over and I'm walking back to my car texting my bestie "OMG I just had the best coffee date with [insert his name here], he is so cute, I think he is the 1! XD" 
Meanwhile, he is walking back to his car probably thinking "I could so go for a cheeseburger right about now..." 

4. Facebook: The best and worst thing for the dating world
Facebook chat doesn't count as getting to know you time. Social media makes it easy to make that first connection, but if you stay in the space for too long or go back to it too regularly you risk miscommunication, misinterpretation, etc etc... 
Get some perspective people -- He's probably sitting in his trackies on the couch watching his fave TV show or playing x-box with Facebook open next to him, while you are probably perched attentively in front of your computer waiting for him to reply. (Yes, I painted an extreme version of this picture, but you get the idea.) 

5. It's fun to rush, but better to wait. 
The longer you wait to get to know him, the better it will be. The benefits of taking your time FAR outweigh the fun of rushing into something. Seriously

6. CONTROL. YOUR. EMOTIONS. 
Ladies, please. 'Nuff said. 

7. Forget boys. Enjoy LIFE. 
Don't give in to the pressure you're under by your marital status. It still astonishes me just how much the church celebrates those who marry and how little credit we give those who do not. (I've referred to something similar in a previous blog.) In hindsight, I spent way too much of my twenties fussing over boys - so much time wasted wondering, questioning, crying, etc! 

TRANSLATED FOR THE FELLAS --
1. Coffee dates are cool but too many of them can send a certain message. 
2. Previous mistakes can come back to bite you. Be prepared to offer an explanation or show that you've grown since then. 
3. Try to consider how she's seeing things between you two. 
4. Don't hide behind Facebook chat. If you like her, tell her in person, and take her out for coffee. (But don't forget no. 1!)
5. We all have a tendency to rush things. Be the guy that slows the pace down. 
6. Girls are emotional. Deal with it. 
7. Forget girls. Enjoy LIFE. 

Just sayin'
JB :) 

*Disclaimer: I'm not bragging about being married, being single is also awesome. I'm just referring to how difficult it can be sometimes. 

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