7 things I would say to my 20-something single self.

[View the republished version on my new blog]

It's been 6 months since my wedding day and almost 3 years since I was single. In that time I have come to know the sense of RELIEF that I never have to navigate my way through the stormy waters of singledom ever again*. (Hallelujah)

It's no secret that I had my share (and then some) of relationship blunders, some of which were due to my naivety. So, in recent months, (especially since my wedding and my 30th birthday) I've reflected a bit on my twenties and wondered what I would do differently.

Having learnt my lesson the hard way, here's what I wish I could say to my 20-something single self, and what I'll be teaching my daughter one day...

(If you're a fella -- I've translated this for you. See below!)

1. A coffee is not a proposal. 
Neither is a nice conversation after church, or a friendly text message, or a ride home after uni. Australian culture doesn't really do 'dating' well, which means one-on-one hang outs can be complicated. Obviously you need to know someone before you enter into a relationship with them but just because you hang out alone, doesn't mean it's more than just friends.

2. He isn't perfect. Neither are you. 
He will say/do the wrong thing and you will take it the wrong way. To make matters worse, Adelaide is a small town and people talk. (SUCH an unfortunate reality.) Remember that any information you get second or third hand will already be filtered through the person who is giving you that information. Leave it to him to reveal his imperfections, not others. Be gracious here, remember Matthew 7:3-5.

3. You over-think EVERYTHING. He over-thinks NOTHING. 
Picture this: The coffee date is over and I'm walking back to my car texting my bestie "OMG I just had the best coffee date with [insert his name here], he is so cute, I think he is the 1! XD" 
Meanwhile, he is walking back to his car probably thinking "I could so go for a cheeseburger right about now..." 

4. Facebook: The best and worst thing for the dating world
Facebook chat doesn't count as getting to know you time. Social media makes it easy to make that first connection, but if you stay in the space for too long or go back to it too regularly you risk miscommunication, misinterpretation, etc etc... 
Get some perspective people -- He's probably sitting in his trackies on the couch watching his fave TV show or playing x-box with Facebook open next to him, while you are probably perched attentively in front of your computer waiting for him to reply. (Yes, I painted an extreme version of this picture, but you get the idea.) 

5. It's fun to rush, but better to wait. 
The longer you wait to get to know him, the better it will be. The benefits of taking your time FAR outweigh the fun of rushing into something. Seriously. 

6. CONTROL. YOUR. EMOTIONS. 
Ladies, please. 'Nuff said. 

7. Forget boys. Enjoy LIFE. 
Don't give in to the pressure you're under by your marital status. It still astonishes me just how much the church celebrates those who marry and how little credit we give those who do not. (I've referred to something similar in a previous blog.) In hindsight, I spent way too much of my twenties fussing over boys - so much time wasted wondering, questioning, crying, etc! 

TRANSLATED FOR THE FELLAS --
1. Coffee dates are cool but too many of them can send a certain message. 
2. Previous mistakes can come back to bite you. Be prepared to offer an explanation or show that you've grown since then. 
3. Try to consider how she's seeing things between you two. 
4. Don't hide behind Facebook chat. If you like her, tell her in person, and take her out for coffee. (But don't forget no. 1!)
5. We all have a tendency to rush things. Be the guy that slows the pace down. 
6. Girls are emotional. Deal with it. 
7. Forget girls. Enjoy LIFE. 

Just sayin'
JB :) 

*Disclaimer: I'm not bragging about being married, being single is also awesome. I'm just referring to how difficult it can be sometimes. 

The trouble with being a 27 year old, single, female, Christian in Adelaide…

All the descriptive words in the title of this post describe me. I am all of that. And before I go off on my rant, here’s my disclaimer…
(1) Life is good. I’m not unhappy.
(2) This isn’t about some self-indulgent, personal vent. I know I’m not the only one who experiences this and I don’t mind admitting that life can be tough sometimes, even amongst the good times.
I expect none of this will be news to anyone, but I don’t think it hurts to just put it out there… Just saying…

I turned 27 in August - - I recently discovered that I have grown up with a core-belief that it’s expected to be married by your mid-twenties. Hence, my birthday this year brought up some discomfort with being single. Should I be feeling that I’ve been ‘left on the shelf”? NO! Are you kidding me? But do I feel it anyway? Yes, sometimes. The truth is the majority of people in the ‘real-world’ don’t get married until their thirties. Having said that, there were times when marriage looked like a serious possibility and as much as it hurt to walk away at the time I am happy with where I am at now, compared to where I could have been. I also acknowledge that it’s only in recent years that I’ve truly started discovering who I am and what I’ve been created for. I can’t imagine what life would be like as a young married person not knowing what I now know about myself.

I’ve been single for a while now - - Do I get lonely? Yep. Do I like admitting that? Of course not. No one does. ‘Cos life is meant to be perfect with Jesus at your side right? I wish. Truth is, life isn’t perfect as a Christian, but it does make the difficult times a lot more bearable. Knowing that I have a hope and faith that allows me to cast my burdens onto someone stronger than me. So the loneliness can really suck sometimes but being single has its ‘ups’. I must admit I enjoy having the freedom with my spare time that doesn’t exist when you have to factor someone else into it all the time.

I am a girl… duh... - - Do I dream about the day when I get to walk down the aisle? Sure, sometimes. But I wonder if that might still be the case if weddings, marriages & brides weren’t celebrated such a way that it leaves us single women feeling so uncelebrated just cos our left ring finger remains so bare. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never truly succeed in life until my surname changes and I’m a part of the young-married’s club.

I am a Christian and I live in Adelaide - - We all know it’s a small town. As if it isn’t hard enough as it is to meet someone new, I gotta narrow it down even more by looking for someone with the same faith and love for Jesus… Now, when you meet someone new it’s hard to not automatically go into sussing-out-mode (or be temped to face-stalk them) because you know that person is rare. What’s worse is that you feel like all the non-single people in the room notice when two eligible single people are having a nice chat in the church foyer or at supper one night. If you are one of those people that like to look, stare and talk, please let me ask nicely – Stop it. It’s annoying and puts unwanted pressure on the friendship to be something that probably isn’t destined to be anyway. 90% of the time we all just want to be friends anyway. (And yes, I believe that it’s possible to have a healthy friendship with other single guys in this world. So if you see me having coffee with someone don’t assume it’s a date, please.)

Why did I bother to write this? Maybe cos I think someone needs to say it, so we’re all aware that is isn’t easy and maybe, just maybe, we could be a little more sensitive to wherever we’re at in life.

If you’re married, congratulations. I’m a little bit jealous of you. If you’re single, then rock on. Enjoy it while it lasts. ‘Cos while I’m happy to admit that I don’t want to be single, it can be lots of fun and I believe firmly that marriage is forever so once my single days are over, they are well and truly over.

Just saying…